No, we aren’t talking Calvin Klein here, so don’t expect any skinny models wearing skimpy clothes and smelly cologne.  Rather, I am speaking about your relationship to motorcycles.  That’s right, you’re busted!  Everyone knows you’ve got a “thing” for motorcycles, and at the rate you're going, you may even end up as a story on the cable news.  Lucky for you it isn’t a crime yet.  I can hear some of ya’ll saying, "Not me.  I am not obsessed."  Well, let’s run a little test, shall we?

Maybe, just maybe, you fall under some other category of moto-mania.  Perhaps you are just preoccupied or smitten with motorcycles.  Answer these questions: Do you read more than this motorcycle magazine each month?  Do you have a motorcycle magazine in every “executive reading room” you use?  Do you extend each trip to the reading room just to finish a whole article?  If you answered yes to all of the above, you are at least engrossed with motorcycles.  Now try these: Do you have a different motorcycle magazine assigned to each reading room?  Do you know where you are by which magazine you are reading?  Do you have several months' worth of each magazine at each location?  If you answered yes to those questions, you are definitely besotted with motorcycles.  These are only the first two levels on the path to obsession.  It gets worse.

As you move deeper, you may become fixated, or even fanatical about motorcycles.  Do you sit at work and daydream about bikes, riding gear, and places you want to ride?  Do you have several shelves' worth of motorcycle books, including parts and accessories catalogs?  Have you googled something about motorcycling in the last 24 hours?  A yes for all of these, and you are surely hooked on motorcycles.  Now try these queries: At a quick glance, can you identify any passing motorcycle by brand?  Can you even tell what model and year?  Yes on those two and you are truly a moto-zealot.  Even if you have a few no’s so far, you are in real deep; after all, some folks don’t have daily computer access or are unemployed due to poor productivity issues.

Maybe you have descended even deeper than you know.  For your long-term wellbeing, we should continue.  Do you ride to work every day you can, including rainy days?  Even in monsoons?  Carry saddlebags to meetings instead of a briefcase?  Yes to those, and you are fervent, alright.  Do you take a different route home each night, always looking for longer ways?  When you are riding to meet your spouse for dinner, do they arrange a midnight snack for you?  Do you arrive late even for that meal?  You're seeing a trend here, right?  My friend, too many yes’s and you are judged to be a passionate motorcyclist.  Take heed—your work and family relationships may be at risk . . . unless, of course, you have wisely chosen a like-minded boss and spouse.

They say the road to Hell is wide and straight, but the road to motorcycle obsession is tight, twisty, and sprinkled with scenic pullouts—which are good for checking tire pressures, tread depth, and how much metal you have scraped off the frame.  Of course, the truly obsessed know every pullout for 500 miles, where they can find a gathering of fellow riders.  These are actually the moto-obsessed equivalent of AA meetings, except no one has any interest in recovery.  Do you know any of these roadside gathering places?  Have you ever stopped there?  Planned your ride to visit them?  How about knowing people there by name and bike?  Any yes answers here and motorcycling possesses you.  You probably have high oil content in your blood and are fairly well beyond hope from a medical standpoint.

Let’s face it: If you have answered yes to 80 percent of the questions so far, you are obsessed.  But here are some final proofs if you still are in denial.  Do you manage your monthly household budget around your motorcycle expenditures?  Have you ever gone to sleep thinking of motorcycles?  Awoken the next morning with bikes and riding on your mind?  Does that happen more than once a week?  Well, that proves it.  Take heart, my friend, it could be worse—you could feel this way about golf.  At least you're not dreaming about balls and holes.

Just remember: This is February, so while you may have a motorcycle obsession, unless you want to sleep in the garage, buy your significant other a Valentine's Day card and some flowers or chocolates.  Then you can buy a tank full of high-test and maybe even some chrome or new tires and your true love won't get jealous.

Milwaukee Proud Beer and Cheese Soup

Oh my gosh, beer and cheese, I must be in Wisconsin.  Wait, what is that thundering sound I hear, is it a Twin Cam 88 running wide open down Juneau Avenue?  No, it is the sound of cayenne pepper pounding in my ears.  If you are feeling homesick for Juneau Avenue, make a pot of this soup and pull out your copy of the Motor Company’s Parts and Accessories catalog and dream of chrome from back home at the factory.

1/4 cup water
3 tablespoons cornstarch
2 tablespoons butter
1 medium-size onion, minced
2 tablespoons chopped garlic
One 12-ounce bottle dark beer
2 cups vegetable broth
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon white pepper
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground savory
2 cups half-and-half
2 cups shredded mild cheddar cheese

1. In a small bowl, combine the water and cornstarch, stir well, and set aside.
2. Melt the butter in a medium-size soup pot over medium heat.  Add the onion and cook, stirring, until it begins to brown, 5 to 7 minutes.  Add the garlic and cook, stirring, just until it begins to color, about 1 minute.  Add the beer, vegetable broth, cayenne, salt, white pepper, cumin, and savory, bring to a boil, and reduce the heat to low.  Slowly pour in the half-and-half,  stirring constantly.  Add the cheddar cheese and stir until melted.  Add the cornstarch mixture and stir well. Let simmer until the soup thickens, stirring often, 5 to 7 minutes.  Serve immediately.

Makes 6 to 8 servings

Column copyright Bill Hufnagle 2007. Recipe reprinted with permission from "BIKER BILLY'S HOG WILD ON A HARLEY COOKBOOK", published by Harvard Common Press, Boston copyright Bill Hufnagle 2003.